As I type this journey I am typing from my memory and all the raw emotions I felt from her premature birth to her early death.

Chloe was due on May 18, 2001.  I went into premature labor when I was 30 weeks pregnant with her. 

I was hospitalized off an on for 2 weeks with a week of it spent in the hospital and I received 4 magnesium bola cist to stop my contractions.  Finally at 35 week Chloe and I were sent home in hopes to deliver at full term.

I was released to return to work and I did on Monday April 16, 2001.  On April 17 I woke up not feeling good but went back into work.  I had court that day and as I sat in the court room I felt myself contracting.  They were only 15 minutes apart so I was sure it was false labor.  As I drove down Interstate 65 back to work my contractions intensified so I called my OB.  He had me stop by the hospital just to be checked.  By the time I got into the trauma room my contractions were becoming overly painful.  As I look back I think I was more scared for her safety and this caused me to think my pain was worse than it was.  

I received a shot of some kind of medicine and was told if I was in false labor that this medicine would stop the pain.  To my surprise the pain only increased and I was in for another huge surprise.  My OB left his patients for the day to come check on me and decided to do an internal exam while I was contracting.  I was shocked when he told me I was dilated to 4 and my bag of waters was very thin and ready to bust.  I was admitted that minute for delivery

My OB broke my bag of waters for me to get labor going even more and my labor stopped.  I was put on the patocine to increase my contractions again and I have never felt so much pain.  I begged for an epidural because I was convinced my contractions were hurting her.  The labor progressed without incident.  As I was pushing her heart decelerated and stayed down.  I remember panicking and my OB placed my face in his hands and told me my baby was fine that we just needed to get her out.  Chloe was born into the world at 9:51 pm on April 17, 2001 weighing a whopping 5 pounds, 12 ozs.  She was a good size for being 5 weeks premature.  She came out looking at me and very quiet with a few small cries.  

My fears began that very night as I nursed her and her entire body would shake.  It was as if she was cold.  Every time I phoned her doctor about it I was informed it was because she was premature.  I knew in my heart something was not right and to this day I think it was the beginning of the end.

August 3, 2001

August 3 was a Friday and I was so looking forward to a weekend at home.  We were planning a big cook-out for our family and friends because we had planned one when I went into premature labor with Chloe.  This was our way of introducing Chloe to everyone.

The night before Chloe had not slept and I was exhausted.  All night she had stared at me and wanted to nurse.  Chloe had a habit of starring at me but this night here stares were intense.  At one point I woke up and looked over at her and she was starring and I could not help but smile and she smiled so sweetly and shyly because she had been caught.

Never in my life would I have dreamed what the next day held for me.

hat morning I was running late for work because Chloe had wanted to nurse non stop.  I was in such a hurry and was leaving my oldest at home with his grandmother so I handed Chloe to him so I could get her car seat ready.  

As I left the sitters I turned to look at Chloe who to my surprise was not already sleeping for her morning nap.  My sitter had Chloe's back to her and was holding her so Chloe's legs dangled.  Chloe kicked her legs so excitedly and smiled as I turned to say "Good bye Gracie"  I wish I had never said those words.

I was in my Friday morning meeting with my boss going over the next week when my pager went off.  It startled me because just prior at 10:30 I had pumped for Chloe and I had another let down and I could not figure out why.  It was really bothering me.  I had never had a let down so soon after pumping or even nursing.  I was not focused on what my boss was saying but trying to figure out what I did wrong while pumping.  My let down came at 11 am and my pager went off at 11:29 am.  The number was that of my sitters.  Why didn't she just call?  I figured she was calling to tell my our 3 year old daughter had gone poppies in the toilet this time instead of her panties and the voice I heard on the other line was not that of my sitters but a panicky voice of her husband.  I will never forget what he said to me. "Lynn, it's Chloe, she is not breathing and their is blood coming from her nose".  

My body went numb it was as if time was standing still.  I remember standing up looking at my boss and telling him to get me to the hospital.  As we drove I could not remember any phone numbers and was desperately trying to reach people.  

I remember calling her doctor and told the sitter to take Chloe to her hospital.  Within minutes her doctor called me and said no Lynn go to Wishard because she is critical and they need to get her to a hospital as soon as possible.

I think that drive was the longest drive of my life.  I kept calling the sitter in the meantime asking if she was breathing yet and all I kept getting was "We don't know"

When I got to the hospital there was a woman on the phone behind a desk.  I remember what was seconds seemed like minutes.  She kept talking and I finally interrupted her and said "Where's my Baby"

She did not even tell the person she was talking to Goodbye.  She hung up paged someone and said "David, the mother is here what do you want me to do"?  I knew at that very moment things were not good but I never thought it was going to end in her death.

A chaplain came from around the corner and led me to Trauma room 3.

When I walked in all I saw was her father sitting at her head begging her to hang on and my beautiful blue eyed daughter on a huge table with a while cloth.  Her body was blue and gray and so pale!  Her toes stuck out cause I had just painted them red the night before.  

I remember falling to the floor screaming "Not my baby" No this was not happening to me.  My cousin had lost a baby and my sister had lost 2 but no not me.  Not me, this was not happening to me.  It would not happen to me. I remember looking up and a brown curly headed nurse was crying.  She picked me up off the floor and put me on a stool next to her daddy.

I remember daddy saying "Mommy is here now, you can open your eyes".  I really expected her to open her eyes up and stare at me.  It wasn't happening.  What was just a few minutes seemed like hours to me.

Finally the doctor looked at me and said we are going try one more thing.  He said sometimes their blood sugar gets low.  So I thought that was the answer because diabetes runs in the family.  I felt relieved and full of hope.  ONLY it didn't work.  Instead the doctor looked at me and said "We are sorry". The next thing I knew I was on the floor begging to wake up.

I asked to hold her right away and she was so heavy.  As I hugged her she started breathing again or so I thought.  The nurse informed me I was holding her so tight I was pushing the air they had pumped in her, out.

The rest of the day was a blur to me.  I remember family and friends coming to the hospital.  So much I remember that I don't want to remember.

The one thing I am thankful for is someone took pictures of Chloe's funeral.  Chloe looked like a china doll.  She was prefect in every way.  

We said our goodbyes to the tune of "Angel's in Waiting".

Chloe may be gone from our lives and arms but she will remain in our hearts forever.